Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Officer Goodbody Deleted Scene

Bree was away at competition so I had the room to myself. Unfortunately, we had the RA from hell, so there was no way I would be able to sneak in a replacement roommate for the night. Bree and I had been so much trouble that we were forced to move to the third floor with the strictest resident assistant on the planet, Maria.

I scowled just thinking about her. I understood that it was her job to enforce the dorm rules, but she didn’t have to get so much joy out of it.

The sound of something hitting my window snapped me out of my thoughts. At first, I ignored it, but then it happened again and a third time. I huffed and went over to see what the hell was going on.

Jacob was standing below with a few rocks in his hand. He was still in his uniform, so he must have come straight from work.

“Jake,” I smiled. “Who knew you could be so romantic?”

“Shut up!” he called back. “You know why I’m here. You sent a stripper to the station?! What is wrong with you?”

I put on a mask of innocence. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I thought you big, strong men liked that sort of thing.”

“Not when the stripper is a big, strong man too!” he replied.

“It was a test,” I replied. “If we’re going to do this whole relationship thing, I had to make sure you were straight. Do you know how embarrassing it would be if you saw the light and left me for another man a few years down the line?” The truth was I just thought it would be funny… I was right.

“You’re full of shit,” said Jake.

“I thought we’ve already established that,” I laughed.

He wasn’t amused. “Get your ass down here.”

“My ass is staying right where it’s at,” I replied. There was no way I was going down there for him to retaliate.

“Don’t make me come up there,” he growled. I loved it when he did that.

“Try,” I smiled. “I’ll see you this weekend. Bye Jacob. I love you.” I left the window and plopped down on my bed, knowing I was safe. There was no way in hell he could make it past Malicious Maria.

I put in my ear buds and cranked up the volume on my iPod. It was too damn quiet on the third floor. I was in the middle of belting out some eighties music when a large hand clamped over my mouth, effectively scaring the shit out of me.

My iPod was taken away from me. “You are in so much trouble,” Jacob growled in my now music free ear.

“How did you get up here?” I asked, trying to squirm out of his grip, but it was no use.

“You should have closed the window,” he replied.


“You won’t be up here long enough to do anything,” I said smugly. “The RA is a beast. She’ll have you out of here in no time. No boys are allowed at this hour.”

Jacob let me go. Ha! He pushed the desk in front of my door. Shit. “You were saying?”

I did the only reasonable thing I could think of, threw stuff at him.

There was no way Maria didn’t hear the commotion that was going on in my room. Whenever Jacob and I tussled, it was always loud. There was always a lot of crashes, cussing, and laughing. We’ve had the cops show up on more than one occasion to make sure everything was alright, which made it even worse since Jake worked with them.

He finally got me pinned to the floor. “Today, I had a man named Doctor Feel Good drop his pants in front of me. Now you’re going to personally burn that image from my mind.”

“Doctor Feel Good? I thought I paid for Sergeant Sexy.” What kind of business was that place running?

“Not the point,” said Jacob, pulling me up.

There was a loud knock on the door. “Dwyer! What’s going on in there?” Maria shouted.

“Nothing,” I called back. “Just watching a movie. I’ll turn it down!”

“Open the door,” she replied, still knocking unnecessarily.

“Can’t! I’m naked and shy.” Why wouldn’t the bitch just go away?

Jacob grabbed the remote and turned on the television. “Can’t have you lying to your RA,” he whispered. Then he grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head.

“Well, get dressed and open the door!” she screeched.

My panties hit the floor. “In a minute,” I replied. “It’s just getting to the good part!”

If she bought that whole “watching a movie” shit, Maria probably thought I was watching porn. The only problem was Looney Tunes were on in the background. In between “what’s up docs” and “hunting wabbits”, Maria heard a few “oh Gods” and “please Jacobs”.

Jacob was getting dressed when Maria threatened to call campus security. She had already tried to unlock the door, but she couldn’t push it open. Either she was really concerned about my safety or she wanted to see the show. The latter would never happen. No matter how crazy we were, we didn’t do that shit for an audience.

“I’m going to be on social probation because of you.” I was getting dressed as quickly as possible.

“No you’re not,” said Jake. He pulled out his cuffs and pulled my arms behind my back.

He was cuffing me! “Now is not the time to get kinky.”

“Just play along,” he replied impatiently.

Before I could stop him, Jacob moved the desk and opened the door.

Maria stood there with her master key in hand. “What the hell is going on?”

“Language, Maria,” I scolded her.

“It’s okay, ma’am,” said Jake, pushing me out into the hall. He flashed her his badge, “I’m a police officer. I’m taking her in for questioning.”

Maria put her hands on her hips. “How did you get in there?”

“Ma’am, I’m specially trained for this type of situation. A locked door won’t keep me from doing my job,” he said with an impressive air of authority.

“Well, I’m the resident assistant. Why wasn’t I informed?” she asked haughtily. I wanted to smack the lip gloss off her lips.

“You’ll have to take that up with your boss,” said Jacob, sounding tense. “If you’ll excuse me, I have work to do. If you continue to stand in my way, I will have to call for backup to come and retrieve you.”

Not wanting the shame of ever being arrested, Maria moved aside for Jacob to escort me out of the dorm.

“Where are we going?” I asked. He was nice enough to take the handcuffs off before opening my door for me. “I have classes in the morning.”

“You didn’t really think you would get away with sending a stripper to the station, did you?” he asked.

Shit. “Yes actually. Didn’t your mom teach you to forgive and forget?”

“She was more of a ‘if it bites you, bite it back’ type of girl,” he said as we pulled out of the parking lot.

I ended up tied to a chair in Billy’s restaurant while Quil and Embry did a ridiculously raunchy striptease. When they were down to their animal print speedos, I couldn’t take it anymore. “Is this really necessary?”

“It was either these two or the Newtons,” said Jake.

I gaped at him. “You fight dirty.”

He laughed. “Me? You’re the one-- HEY!” He quickly covered my eyes. “What the fuck are you two doing? No one wants to see that!” From the sound of their laughter, I guessed that Quil and Embry had lost their speedos.

“Aw man,” teased Quil. “We were just getting started.”

“Put that thing away before I let Nessie get her blade,” Jake replied.

“Why don’t you tase them?” I suggested. I never got to see anybody get tased.

Embry laughed. “No wonder you two are dating. Nobody else could handle you.”


  1. LOLOLOL Girl! Why the hell isn't this in Goodbody! It's sooo fuckung awesome!!!!!!!!

  2. That is hilarious! Cella is right, that needs to be in Goodbody... not outtakes!

  3. hahahahaha... "why don't you tase them?" hahahaha

  4. Thanks ladies! I may go back and slip it in there somewhere. I'm glad you liked it.